updates

Michael,
The past few months of life have picked up some speed. It is painful to watch time continue on...I fear that as the more time passes, the farther away you'll be. I have to remind myself of our eternal bonds. And I remind myself of the many random but now meaningful conversations we had about what we'd do if one of us died. Every time I told you "not to die on me," you'd often say that we'll die together--But if not, you'd be with me always.
In all the latest of life's pursuits, I am so very grateful to say I still feel you near. Not all the time, that's sure, but you're there when I need you. The sweetest times I've felt you near, though, have been the times when I've least expected it. I was sitting in church a few weeks ago and had such a sweet experience that I don't think I'll forget. I know all this sounds crazy to normal people, but let's face it, I'm not normal. I'm just a girl who misses her husband. :)

Here's a long illustration of what we've been up to, starting with the most recent pictures, going back:

At the north beach in Bear Lake...Chloe and Ands havin' fun.

Couldn't stop thinking of you at the beach. It's our place. So special to me.

Mom and Marion at the pool in Bear Lake. Trying to enjoy every minute with Marion. Her time seems to be getting limited. She's my grandma and I love her so. Nice talking to her on this trip about our shared widow status. A great example to me of faith, meekness, service, and of enduring to the end.

My most cherished treasure on this earth. How I love my girl.

Hangin' with cousin Maelee at G&G Allen's.

Andi wore Pa's shirt for pajamas one night when we were hangin' at my parents. Such a sweet little moment with Andi and Pa.

Andi and her neighbor friends, Anastasia and Kazlyn. So glad to have them around!

At the Farmington parade with Pa.

Andi's other Grandma, Joann. How I love her and our family.

Just couldn't get enough of this cute girl Maelee.

Girls Night Out at Lisa and Andi's house! Lydia and Chloe doing crafts with us. Chloe calls me "Ya-Ya" and Andi "Annie." Love it.

Andi in G&G Luke's new addition. Silly woman.

In the tub after swimming lessons. Two weeks of fun!

Our cute neighbor, Kazlyn.

At Sugarhouse Park with the Allen/Schmitz clan.

Can't help but think of you when she makes these funny faces.

Perfect pose. Should I be worried?

At the cabin over Memorial Day weekend. First time going there since I left there with you. It was a big step for me and a weekend I won't forget. Being there without you just simply hurt. It was another time when I kept muddling over the fact that my head knows the truth, but my heart still doesn't. My soul still just can't believe you're not here with me anymore. Bear Lake is our place.

The girls in the loft at the cabin.

Flying kites at Barnes Park with G&G Allen, Grandma Cathi, Daniel, Laura, Beth and Jess, and the Francis'. Fun get-together. Feeling healing.

My babies cuddling in my closet. A while ago Andi asked Harry if he would marry her. Couldn't help but laugh, even though I'm concerned she's thinking of those types of things. :)


Posing in her new dress. This girl's got some attitude.

G&G Allen at our house one evening...Much fun!

In May, I ran the Ogden marathon relay with Lori. Running is my time to be with you...think of you...hear for you. I thought it appropro to hang my medal next to your running medal.

Havin' fun on the Luke's tramp. Andi sure does love my parents' backyard. Such a special place for me and her both. (And even Harry.)

Rockin' it in her Strawberry Shortcake outfit one day after church.

At Lagoon, on the train, with the Francis family. This is our family and our world! Love them so. One night when Andi and I were driving she said to me, "I love my friends. I love Carter, Luke, Chloe." She really does.

On the red plane at Lagoon...Andi's very favorite ride!

Hangin' in Pa's room, sittin' on his bed and eating his apple. So representative of Andi and Pa's relationship. :)

Couldn't resist taking a picture of her pushing a kiddie cart at the grocery store. She thought she was big-time stuff. Made me smile.

Grandma Luke (a.k.a. "Bon") and Andi. Every time Andi sits or lays next to Mom, she gets her arm tickled or her hand held. Grandma teaches our girl how to cuddle, and I like it.

In the "kitchen" with Joann. Andi digs their basement, to say the least.

At G*G Allen's princess party in May. Doin' the "May Pole." Very cute.

Andi's new Rapunzel dress. You should see this dress now....It's in shambles. Holes, tears, and strings hangin' off the bottom. Can't get it away from her. :)

Kylie and Mom at the Farmington Easter Egg hunt. They joined Andi and I that morning. Mom has taken Kylie under her wing as of late, and it's so nice to have Kylie around.

Bundled up in her red jacket at the Farmington Easter Egg hunt. (It was a cold spring this year.) She loved getting the eggs!

At the church with our playgroup doing another Easter egg hunt.

Easter has never meant more to me than it did this year. I often think of the song sung at your funeral, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." I know you do, and so do I.

I just had to put this on here. One night Andi was dancing and singing to this cute Sleeping Beauty song. I was so hoping you were there smiling at it with me.

Another one I had to post on here...Weber State totally reminds me of you and our days there. I definitely have mixed feelings about the place, but it's been nice to go there for the prereqs I've been taking for my masters. I pulled off an A- in the statistics class I took this summer, and I felt very proud. I worked especially hard in that class, so it felt good.
I also worked freaking hard preparing Aman for her end-of-level tests this year. Every time she walked in my door I wanted to call her "Almond" just as you did. She was a big part of our life, wasn't she? I was sad to say good-bye to her when her family moved this summer.

I had to go to girls camp this year (got to), and it made me think of the last time I went. Eight and a half months prego, miserable and hot. You took great care of me when I came back. Great memory. This year's experience had a special spirit and I appreciated the messages I was reminded of--to be the whole package and to teach my daughter what that means.


It's a big deal to me to be given flowers once again from someone other than you. Hence, I have to take pictures of them.
I'm on a strange road right now with all of this....My heart has had a difficult time adjusting to the idea that even though I'm still your wife, maybe I can open my heart to another. It's been an interesting process feeling my heart make room for more. I haven't thought it possible, and yet, have felt great peace in doing so.

I don't understand everything, Michael. I really don't. All I can do is have faith, tell you that I love you, and thank you for all you have done and are still doing. I pray for you always. While I may not fully understand God's purposes, I trust that He has them and I appreciate the kindest, sweetest blessings that seem to be pouring upon me. So many wonderful things.

I have felt so cradled by my Father in Heaven this past year. He and you both have truly carried me through, and continually do so. I owe our Father my whole life and more.

When our annniversary came this year, I knew I had to go to the temple. It's where I feel you most. I sat on the chairs we sat on in the celestial room right before we went in to get sealed. I'll never forget the tenderness you showed me that day, in that moment, six years ago. What love and tenderness you had. As emotionally wrenching as it can be sitting in the temple and feeling the heaviness of it all unlike any other place, it IS nice to feel that heaviness--to feel how true and real God and His purposes are.
When June 30 came around, I was showered with love, flowers, cards, and thoughtful messages from our loved ones. They were on your errand to take care of me. I'm very blessed to have your family, especially, who so valiantly take it upon themselves to ensure I receive flowers or cards on the expectedly sad days.
Your celebratory attitude rubbed off on me that day. I knew you'd want me to celebrate the fact that I made it that far. I knew you wouldn't want me to re-live that day a year before. You know I do that enough already and I know you welcome any excuse for me to escape from the torturous pain of it all.
On June 30th of this year, Andi and I went to your grave and ate ice cream. It seemed like the right thing to do. Miss indulging in your favorite treats with you. :)

I've said it before, but I'm amazed at how much you have taught me. I love that I often think like you, sometimes say things like you, and hear your voice as I go about my daily life.
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"The Lord asks us to come to Him, to try and to work and to keep trying and then to "trust in His redeeming blood" to make us whole and well and complete. I do not know how it is done, but I know that the Lord can and will do it. Every righteous desire of our hearts will be fulfilled...in His time."
--Rebekah Richards

"You must give up a life you have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for you."
--Joseph Campbell

"Love them anyway."
--YOU

"Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. He is blessing you and He still blesses you, even--no, especially--when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master's garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, 'Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.' And it will make your children whole as well." --Jeffrey R. Holland

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." --Mosiah 24:14

"Trials and tribulations tend to squeeze the artificiality out of us, leaving the essence of what we really are and clarifying what we really yearn for." --Neal A. Maxwell