As we celebrated her birthday again this year, I kept thinking about how much I love and care for her. I know her birthdays are hard for her since they mark the day of Chris' death. Each year there is that inevitable sense of melancholy that comes along with that day, but I am so proud of her for continuing to put one step in front of the other. I know there's been plenty of times, like after Chris' death, Michael's death, and others, when her fragile soul has been mercilessly shattered. I know it's taken everything in her to keep putting herself back together. Nevertheless, she continues to do so, and I have benefited from that strength.
How grateful I am that we have had such a bond and a connection. We have our moments, to be sure, but at the end of the day, I'm just grateful for her and love her so. She has a mother's heart...So very nurturing and caring.
My mom's reactions to the events of this past year and a half have perfectly illustrated her unsurpassed motherly love and concern. From the moment I learned of Michael's death 'til where I am today, she's been by my side. She's endured the terrible cries and agonies of my soul as I have grieved Michael's death. So many nights were spent crying in pain on her bed while she rubbed my back and listened to me cry and cry and cry. As a matter of fact, she has spent most of those times crying right along with me.
During those first few months after Michael died, it was almost as if she had to become a mother of a young child again. She made sure I was eating, she did whatever she could to ensure I was getting at least some sort of rest, and she tried to get me out of bed and dressed each day. She then had to put her "Mom of a Teenager" hat on again as she dealt with my feistiness and bitter attitudes that I somehow always managed to save just for her.
As I go through each stage, she encompasses Andi with a mother's love. Andi has spent countless bathtimes, mealtimes, and naptimes with Mom by her side. I'd always know when Mom had given her a bath because she'd smell like Mom's sweet smelling lotion. Andi's learned to love meat and potatoes because of Mom. Andi's played "Strawberry Shortcake" or paperdolls many times with Mom. Andi and Mom have spent many an evening watching "Caillou" together. (Every night at 8:30!) As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure Mom has seen every episode now and has something to say about each one as it comes on. :) She's offered deep compassion and understanding in taking care of Andi while I spent time at my grief support group, at the cemetery, running, writing, going to school, or grading essays at Weber. She's watched her at the last minute so I could go to mutual or so I could run errands. She taught Andi the "Humpty Dumpty" rhyme and the "Bah Bah Black Sheep" rhyme. She's taught Andi to be a really good shopper! Andi's only three and can remain happy as we drag her from one store to another.
She taught Andi all about cuddling, too. I remember one night, Andi and I were laying in bed reading books when all the sudden Andi grabbed my hand to hold it. I just laughed to myself because I knew where she learned that from. There will be days when Andi won't stop asking when she can go to Grandma Luke's house. She loves it there. Mom and Dad take such good care of her while there; they're so present with her and they'd do anything for her. Mom calls me each night, at least once a night. The nights were incredibly lonely that first year, but somehow she managed to help fill up that void. She'd call me all the time, asking me questions or talking to me about "woman" stuff just to keep me company and occupied. Those nightly phone calls are something I will never forget.
Thank you, Mom, for being my best friend. For loving my daughter, for loving my Michael, and for embracing my future life. I'll never forget how Michael used to call you "Mama Luke" and how fondly he'd speak of you. He loved you and so appreciated your motherly kindness toward him. It made a difference and still does. As you would say, "xoxo!!"
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