Changes

To best illustrate the changes that have been happening as of late, here's an email I sent out to family and friends:


So I don't presume you're all terribly interested in the details of my life, but you're all important people to me and so I thought I should share with you what's been going on.

You all know about Eric and that we've been dating for a bit. I thought I'd tell you a bit more about him and our relationship so far....

When Michael passed I honestly couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. Obviously. I'm pretty sure I don't need to expound on that.
It's not like I thought to myself, "Well, I'd better get workin' 'cuz life without a hubby just ain't no good!"

But I do remember some distinct thoughts I did have throughout the past year's journey:
Like, I remember in November having the distinct thought that I needed to start being around some friends. I was realizing I was going to need some people to talk to and that I needed to get my mind off my freaking insane grief that was controlling my every thought.

As such, I made a point to contact a lot of my old friends and try to network that way.
I hung out with these old friends that were still single and hence very available to hang out with on the weekends and such.

The more I ended up hanging out with them, though, the more I thought it best to surround myself with widows, simply because they understand me on the level I have needed to be understood this past year.
So I made then made a point to be a part of the LDS widows group. Cheesy, I know, but it was seriously so nice to find these people.
I went to a few functions and I've met some wonderful people and made some life-long friends. I ended up meeting Eric in the spring, who was a part of the widows group as well. He was living in Montana at the time, though, so we just emailed back and forth. That was really nice. You know me...I love writing and emailing, so it was a nice way for me to talk to someone. Nothing too scary--Just enjoyable and nice to relate.
The first time he asked if he could actually call me on the phone I told him no.
But things eventually moved forward and with each subsequent step thereafter, the theme of the journey has been gratitude and surprise, laced with grief, hesitation, and confusion. In all of that grief and confusion, I've appreciated his easy-going demeanor and his sense of humor.

When we first met, Eric was already planning to move to Utah sometime later this year. His moving experience was kinda' cool--Once he decided to take the plunge, he put his house up for sale and one week later it was sold. Two weeks later he had a job in Salt Lake.
His in-laws are both retired BYU professors and have a nice home in Orem. (Yeah, I know, BYU. :) ) They have a separate basement apartment and offered him the place while he was looking for a house, so that's where he's been living.
So we've commuted quite a bit back and forth to each other's houses. We've had a lot of "playdates" with the girls, quite a bit of dates that require baby-sitters and planning ahead, and we've also had a lot of late nights driving from one place to the other. Sometimes with the kids, sometimes not.
(Can I just say that dating with kids is an entirely different experience than without...)

It's been interesting, to say the least.
With each introduction to one of his wife's family members, I was tempted to say, "Hi, I'm Lisa, and I'm sorry I'm here."
In learning of their experiences with losing Sheri, I've wanted them to know of my own grief and loss and how devastating it has been to lose Michael. Actually, I've really just wanted to cry and scream in my grief to tell them how badly I freaking understand.

At any rate, the relationship has progressed and Eric and I have decided to get married.
Yep, this has happened much more quickly than anything I ever imagined for myself.
It's weird and something for everyone to adjust to, including myself.
I made fun of all the widows this past year who got married so quickly.
But here's the thing:
While my grief is still very real, I also acknowledge that it will always be there.
And I know I wouldn't be happy letting Eric go. We're good for each other and I know being together is a good thing...No, a great thing. He's a very good man and I truly adore him.
The girls love being with each other and could absolutely use some structure and routine in their life again. (They may not adore love

other when they live together, eat together, and share toys and attention together, but ya know....)
I appreciate that loving Eric doesn't mean I have to love Michael any less. I also appreciate that loving Eric gives me some purpose in my pain.

I'm not stupid enough to think this is going to be complete bliss, though. We'll have our challenges, I'm sure. Being a stepmom will be interesting. It'll all be an adventure, I guess, just like everything else. But I have great confidence in this path I'm about to take. That said, I stand by my oft-repeated phrase, "I am not moving on, I'm just moving forward."
Michael is my heart and soul. Always will be. I will spend the rest of my days in efforts to keep him alive and to give honor to his name.
I realize it's only been a year and half at this point, and I know that time will take its course, but nothing can or will ever take Michael away from me. His presence will always be very alive in me and in Andi. I just know it to be true.

So I guess the point of all this is that I'm hoping you can all offer us support and that you can know of my love and gratitude for all of ya'.
I look forward to you guys getting to know Eric and the girls a bit more.

We'll be getting married sometime in January and we'll have an open house at the end of that month.
Eric and the girls will be moving in with me and Andi, and we'll be spending the next months preparing for all that.

I'm sure there will be some weird things to deal with and adjustments to make, like holidays and family gatherings and all that. So far I like the idea of Eric being able to spend time with his in-laws while we spend time with you guys.....At this point I feel the need to have "Michael time" separate from everything else, ya know? But anyway, time will tell. In the meantime know how much I love and appreciate you guys. We're always gonna' need y'all, so don't be leaving us in the dust or something dumb like that.
And please know that I'm here for you. I know this stuff isn't the easiest. I don't expect it to be any other way. Please just know of my convictions and love for Michael, Andi, and all of you guys.

xoxo

Lisa

So that was my email, and that pretty much summarizes what's been going on and how I feel.
The process of allowing myself to love another has been interesting. Very difficult and confusing at times, and in other times, it's been a wonderful blessing to go through it.
--Here's what I wrote down one day last month: "Last night I couldn't sleep--Just kept thinking and thinking and thinking. Actually beginning to feel comfort in moving forward--going with my authentic self and not fighting it. I prayed today that Michael would give me his blessing in moving forward. No one, esp. not him, can be replaced. Love you, Michael. Love your drive, passion, skill, smartness, relentless attitude..."

I have so much gratitude for those who have offered their incredible support. Thank you thank you!

In another effort to record this process I've been going through, I'll copy and paste part of an email I sent out to family a while ago:

In case you don't know much about Eric, he's a widower from Montana and has recently moved back to Utah. His girls are two and five years old.
It's been nice having someone around that understands me in a way not a lot of people can.

Also, just 'cuz I need to say it--
It's probably going to be kinda' weird having him around. Just do me a favor and expect it and try to prepare yourselves a little bit...if that's possible. Maybe it won't be a big deal for some of you. I'm pretty sure it's been weird and kinda' hard for my own family. And quite honestly, I'm confident in saying that I'm the one that's been most weirded out by all of this movement in my life. There are so many thoughts and emotions involved in all of this....There's no way I can or should even try to express to you this adventure I'm on, but please know this: I'm doing my best, I'm doing what I believe to be right, and I'm also hell bent on making this fact known: I'm not moving on, but I am trying to keep moving forward.
I hope so much, that you as my dear family can try to understand the depth of these experiences and try to support, love, and respect this process I'm going through. I don't know what the future will hold, but I do know that I'm just trying to figure things out and that I need love and support and I need my family to trust me, even when it might hard to do so.

In asking for all this love and support, I do want you to know that I don't expect you to not feel the reality of any of this. I wouldn't want it to be any different. I understand the thoughts and emotions and heartaches so very much, and I know we ALL have to keep trying to adjust to this new reality.
I think we're all just going to have to love and respect and help each other through these adjustments and changes.
I love you all so much. You know the Journey song that says, "Don't stop...believing...Hold on to the feelin'..."? I don't know why, but that dumb song keeps coming to mind when I think about all this stuff I've just been talking about. I can never "stop believing" in my forever family with Michael and I always have to just keep "holdin' on to the feelin'." ...To the awesome feelings that accompanied us as we lived our lives together. I love everything about him, but one particularly awesome thing about Michael is that being around him always meant there would be "feelin'." Does that make sense? He was and is just so full of life and passion and intensity. I love and miss that "feelin" of his presence.
I know we all do.

That's it for now.