Valentine's Day

Michael,

It's 7 a.m. on Valentine's Day, 2011.
In the past I've often disliked the hype of Valentine's Day. It seems more like an obligation to express love rather than a privilege. But you didn't feel that way. You were always so good at honoring every holiday, including this one.
I wanted to wake up early this morning so I could have some quiet time to carry on your tradition of giving each holiday the honor it deserves. I wanted to write an entry about my love for you, my gratitude for you, and about some fun Valentine's memories we've shared.

Last year for Valentine's we went to Gabor Brothers in Layton. We had a huge list of restaurants we wanted to go to, and this was one of them. I remember talking your ears off simply because it was so dang nice having someone to talk to after my long days at home with an infant and a dog. I remember crossing my feet into yours. I remember you holding me in the cold. I remember driving around to look at cars that night...just for fun. We were starting to think about the next car we were going to buy. You knew what kind I wanted to get....even the color I wanted, and you kept telling me to get excited 'cuz come Spring, we were gonna' find that exact car.
For my Valentine's gift that year you set up a scavenger hunt for me. It ended up being running shoes. I was so impressed that you went on your own and found me the perfect shoes.

The year before that we went to a restaurant up Ogden canyon. We got a sitter, went to this nice little place, and completed the evening with a trip to the ward Valentine's party. I remember joking with you that it was a sure sign of adulthood to go to ward parties for FUN. We loved the people in our ward, though, and that was one evening I remember spending some good time with those dear people.
I even remember how your Aunt Ruthie called that night and you talked to her as we traveled through the canyon. I'll never forget the tone of voice you'd use when talking to her. So cute.
It was that same year that as my gift to you, I made a bouquet of candy flowers and I did a couple of scrapbook pages devoted to "our love." (I know of its lameness, but we made a deal to not spend much.) I've often pored over those pages since your passing and have been so glad for yet another opportunity I took, WE took, to express our love to each other. I had a poem in there about couples who've experienced the real road of love...who have dealt with life's challenges together and who've come out more in love because of it.

Each year for Valentine's Day we had a tradition of making your famous sugar cookies, getting the Starbucks brand of coffee ice cream, and watching David Letterman in the Love Sac. Good times. I loved that we had traditions like that. So fun. That tradition started even before we married.

Last night I pulled out a box I have of notes and cards we've written to each other. I sat on the basement floor for a good couple of hours laughing and crying at all our wonderful little messages to each other. We spared no dorkiness as we wrote these things to each other. But I consider these notes to be one of those things we did that in some crazy way prepared us for sepearation. We didn't let opportunities pass to express our love. How grateful I am for that.
I want to share some of those little notes:

Last year I wrote you a cliche, dumb, but sincere little poem. I titled it, "A Poem for Michael: A Tribute to my Love. Written by the poetic genius, Lisa Allen." It says: "Today when I left you and we said our good-byes, I couldn't stop thinking that I have such a great guy. I know life is crazy with small rewards and small pay, but I hope you remember it will all be okay. 'Cuz when you come home we'll be waiting for you. Me, crazy Harry, and sweet Andalyn too. Thank you for loving me, and working so hard. Words can't express my thanks in this card. But I hope you can know I'm your girl for always. Through the good, through the bad, I'm here come what may." Then on that same card I told you to go to the freezer for a little surprise. For none other than ice cream of course.

In a lot of your cards to me, you'd write on the envelope, "To My Lover," or "To My Girl." A couple years back you gave me a card that said this: "Baby, I love you so very much! No one but you could have made it through this past year with me. You were meant for me and me alone. I'm so glad that you are Harry's mama. He's so lucky to have you, as well as the rest of our future kids. You have so much love, kindness, and peace in your heart to bring to our family. My heart only beats for you! I love you, Dream Girl. I truly adore you."

On our third anniversary I wrote a card to you that said, "Can you believe it? Three years! Here's to another three more, plus eternity...I love that I can say that: ETERNITY. No one I'd rather be with for time and all eternity. Even after these three tumultuous years we've had, I can say that with certainty."
"Oh how I love you. You are my bestest friend in the wholest world....You work so hard. I'm so grateful for your willingness and ambition to take on the role of husband and provider. Love, Lisa, your preggy-weggy little wifey."
"P.S.: Harry told me to tell you this: Dad: Thanks for being good to mom and always cuddling her but don't forget I get the middle when you cuddle." (Your constant complaint was that he always got in the way.)

In another card I gave to you before Andalyn's arrival, I said, "You have that special tenderly understanding trait in you that will make you such a good dad for our sweet angel girl on the way. I noticed that trait in you the moment I met you. When you tap into that powerful tenderness I love so much in you, I don't know that you realize how good and powerful you become...You know I love and believe in you more than anyone."

Last year's Valentine's Day card from you said, "I love you, my best friend! I just love coming home knowing I get to spend time with you...sharing my life with you is truly amazing. No matter how tough life gets, I always have you there to make me feel like the best man in the world. You are my muse! If I had to do it all over again I would do it exactly the same. I love you, I love US, You are everything I always wanted. My dream come true. You are always the best part of my day. I love you, Sweetie."

One of my favorite cards that you gave me was a card that had a husband and wife on the front and it said: "For my wonderful wife: Sometimes I lose my patience [it shows a picture of a guy cussing at a plugged toilet], I've been known to lose my keys [another picture of a husband and wife looking for keys--a daily activity for us], I've even lost my way a time or two [a picture of a man lost as he drives.]
Then you open it up and it has a cheesy message about inspite of all the dumb challenges that he'd never regret losing his heart to me. The message was just so appropriate because that was totally you--You'd lose your keys or iPod every dang day and you'd get so pissed at me for "putting your stuff away." That card illustrates those scenarios so well. And your own personal little message in that card included this message: "It's true I have lost my heart to you and would freely give it to you and only you time and time again....You are my true love. I'm amazed that you still love me even after all the things you have to put up with, when I lose all my stuff. I'm so sorry that most of the time I truly am just one of your other kids. I'll try to do better at being a grown-up." Then you continue to say I am the person you love to laugh with the most, and then end the card with, "Yours always and forever!"

I could go on and on with our cheesy, cliche little cards we exchanged. They are such a treasure and I am so happy to share these messages of love on this Valentine's Day. It is my first Valentine's Day without you. How I will miss your sweet adorations, bouquets of roses, and your loving company, but I am so grateful to once again read these cards and be reminded that our love was and is real...That nothing will change that...That no separation can take that away from us.

Michael, if you were here right now, I'd hold your face in my hands and tell you how grateful I am for your love. I reciprocate each loving word you've ever said to me and add to that, "MORE."

Happy Valentine's Day, my eternal mate and friend.

xoxo