randoms

Dearest Michael,

The past six months I've started to carry around a little notebook with me wherever I go. I like to have it handy so I can write down any memory that comes to mind throughout my days. I can't bear the thought of forgetting any precious times we shared.
Having that notebook with me has also encouraged me to write down any other passing thoughts that seem of import at the time.
This collection of nearly-illegible thoughts has helped me when I sit down to write. It's also proven to be of great value when I feel like the Spirit is talking to me...or you. It's nice to write these things down, ya know.

Anyway, here are some of my latest random thoughts, memories, or insights as recorded in said notebook:

---I remembered when our pipes would freeze in the winter...especially the pipes underneath the kitchen sink. You'd go crazy. It was all I could do to get you to take a breath and calm down. In effort to encourage that calmness, I'd often try to make light of the situation. But those efforts were in vain because it only made you think you needed to convince me of the seriousness of the situation. You thought I was clueless to the possible repurcussions of freezing pipes, so you'd embark on these lengthy lectures so as to convince me of its dangers and of the precautions I needed to take so as to prevent such a catastrophe.
Being that you drilled this information in my head so well, I've taken over your role of "Pipe Nazi" for the sake of educating our renters and preventing any such disasters while they occupy our home. (That's right, "OUR" home....always will be, in my mind)
It's been kind of funny as I've tried to discuss these issues with them, because I can't help but hear your words coming straight from my mouth. And I can't say them without showing that same urgency you'd show when you were hell-bent on drilling someone with information you were sure they couldn't live without.

This is one example of how well you prepared me for this newfound independence. You made a point, as annoying as it sometimes was, to educate me about things. You didn't just tell me stuff...You insisted on explaining things to me to make sure I understood how things work. You'd often quiz me about things you were trying to teach me so as to ensure my "proper education."
I'm obviously referring to things far beyond my education about pipes, plumbing, and how to prevent freezes. This habit you had of educating me applied to our financial affairs, real estate, painting, handyman work, cars, household duties, yard work, you name it.

And you know what? What's so great about it all is that not only do I have this well-spring of knowledge from you, I've also had your spirit's presence to remind me of things and continue to teach me what I need to know.
For example, I appreciated when you reminded me last week, in a tone of urgency that can only come from you, that I needed to call the renters about the pipes THAT NIGHT. I was so glad I did.

---I've had so many dreams of you lately. More than ever. While I'm sure a lot of them are no more signicant than what my subconscious mind comes up with, I sure do appreciate seeing your face again. I feel so desperate to remember you that I even endeavor to write down these perhaps insignificant dreams.
One dream that keeps recurring is the idea of you coming back...Showing up one day only to tell me you didn't really die...You fell down the waterfall, but rather than falling to the bottom, you landed in a safety net of some sort...That you hid out in a drainage area, found a way out, spent months lost in the wilderness, and finally found your way back to us.
Another dream I had...one I'll never forget...Was about you and me being together again. We were in a desert, just spending time together. All the sudden, out of the blue, chaos, noise and corruption came toward us. It seems like these things were of the military. You immediately recognized the call, you turned towards me, looked intensely into my eyes and said, "I have to go and I'm not coming back. I have no choice...I'm being called to duty." And then, with great intensity, you grabbed my arms and almost shook me while saying, "I want you to know you have given meaning to my every breath. You have meant more to me than any other person. I love you so much."
Then you walked away.
I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed on the dirt ground, only to wake up to more sobs.
That dream seemed a bit more than my subconscious.
Sharing this dream is not my subliminal way of saying no one else was important to you but me, but I share it because it portrays the depth of feeling we had for each other, and it again encourages me to believe you were indeed called to other "duties."

---I remember when you used to sing "I get my kicks...on Route 66." You'd sing that over and over again.

---I'm learning so much as of late. Like, I have learned and am learning about who I can count on to be a "safe place" for me during this intense time of my life. I'm learning the art of being alone...and that it really is an art. I'm learning that the best people I know are those that know firsthand of life's imperfections and as a result display a level of compassion and understanding that I don't think I was even aware of until now.
...Because the thing is, now more than ever, I get it...I get that life's hard, people are imperfect, and that sometimes the former isn't always because of the latter. Regardless, I'm learning that doesn't matter, 'cuz sometimes you just gotta' give people the benefit of the doubt, look inside yourself, and believe that most people are more like your own self than you think....We're all just tryin' to do our best with what we've been given.

--The past seven months or so has done a lot of things to me, but one thing I've come to acknowledge this past week is that I have lost my ability to relax. I am not exaggerating nor generalizing by saying this...It is truly one of the sincerest daily struggles I have. Unsurprisingly, I have a hard time getting to sleep at night, but it's far beyond that. Rarely can I sit down to watch t.v. without feeling serious angst. I have this innate need to keep moving, moving, moving. It's almost as if I'm trying to run away from the truth....ya know? Anyway, it's clearly an anxiety problem that I could talk a lot about, but suffice it to say it has been good for me to at least acknowledge my problem. That's the first step, right?
I often just wish you could come lay by my side. I'm convinced you could calm me down. How I miss laying by your side, either while sleeping, watching movies, or talking. We'd do that so often. It reminds me of how you'd always say how great it was that we both liked to work really hard until we'd crash and need to spend a good while getting some "r and r." It was so great getting that rest and relaxation with you. What I'd give to feel that same contentment and peace of having all my little family together again under one roof, resting or playing together.

---Do you remember the morning you drove me to Wal-Mart before work so I could get The Princess Bride movie to show some of it to my classes? I was pregnant and it was the wintertime. I fell on the ice and you were such a sweetheart about the whole thing. The Princess Bride was so special to the both of us....We read it together on our trips down to Arizona before we got married. And you adopted Wesley's phrase of "As you wish." You'd say that all the time to me...not as a joke, but out of sweet sincerity. I loved it.

---The other day Andi heard her favorite song: John Mayer's "Half of My Heart." Who knows why the heck that's her all-time favorite, but it is. Do you remember listening to that over and over and over again on our way to the cabin? Every time the song ended she'd say, "Agin! Agin!"

---Betos. You loved that place.

---Two things, as obvious as they may be, help me so much throughout my daily battles: running and prayer. Running keeps me fighting. Praying gives me the extra help to do so.

---So many people are so very kind toward me, and I often feel indebted to them. It really is something that bothers me....Especially when it comes to the people I'm close to that constantly sacrifice time and other resources on my or Andi's behalf. I sit and fester about how I can somehow repay them. Joann said to me the other day regarding the issue that "It's your turn."
I hear that and can only think she's right....And that for the rest of my days I hope and pray I can pay it forward. How grateful I am for my parents and many others who offer such service and inspire me to pay it forward...to my own child and to many others. I know I've said these things before...I just think about it a lot.

---I'm often reminded that we are still a team....and always will be. Can't say enough how grateful I am for our eternal bonds.
The other day I had to go to the dermatologist 'cuz I had some sort of skin discoloration going on. The doctor told me it was a little infection that was caused by a change in ph. levels on my skin. He proceeded to tell me that change is often caused by emotional distress or other angsts. I just looked at him and wanted to burst out in a crazy laughter....He had no idea the accuracy of his diagnosis. So I told him my situation, and just like many, showed a lot of compassion. He said, "Where were you married?"
I told him and he said, "Good."
He's right.
I feel that even still in this separation that God is honoring our sacred bonds. Indeed, somehow, I really feel we are still a team.

Always~