impressions

Michael,

In all of the anguish, I have been randomly writing down impressions and “pieces of wisdom” if you will, that I strongly feel have come from the Spirit, from Michael, from my Savior, and from my Father in Heaven.

I have attempted to compile a list of those continual and perhaps random thoughts and impressions. I know they are important words that I need to remember.
I hesitate sharing them, because they’re super cheesy and ultra personal, but perhaps sharing will be beneficial. They aren't well written or maybe they aren't even all that profound, but they are to me, and I want to remember them.

1) I will now become closer to my Savior than ever. Being alone does that. He reminds you that you are not alone.

2) I will learn the importance of getting out of my comfort zone, but also when to say no to it.

3) Take care of others first. Then I’ll find happiness.

4) One night in attempting to sleep—in between sleep and awareness—and in between fits of uncontrollable emotions as I sat in the dark—the song “I Know My Redeemer Lives” just randomly popped in my head. It is important. Recite it often. The words are true and applicable. Find comfort in them. Find comfort in your Redeemer, for that is why He has given the ultimate sacrifice, so he could help you.

5) I need to connect and bond with Andi. Be an example. Put her first.

6) I don’t need justification.

7) I have to have faith. Duh, I know. But nevertheless, a highly repeated impression I have felt.

8) Sometimes it’s okay to take a break from all correspondence. Just live.

9) “Be not afraid; I am God.”

10) Be patient in the pain.

11) You are with me, you’re okay, and you’re forever mine.

12) Work will get you through pain, sorrow, joy, everything. Work, work, work.
13) Do all of this my OWN way
14) It’s good to be with my family. You tell me to be with them. They make up my place of healing.
15) Dad, during one of my most serious emotional breakdowns, said to me to pray for peace. That someday I’ll know the reason—before the end of his lifetime. He said I was a good person and that God will take care of me.—A conversation I won’t forget.
16) Leslie had a dream in which you told her to tell me to smile. Then the song came in her mind, “Free your mind, and the rest will follow.” All messages from him, I know, know, know.
17) I don’t want to revert back to my old self without you. I want to be me and you combined. Pray to do so.
18) One morning this past month Dad and I went to the social security office together to get Andi and my survivor benefit in place. On the way home I told Dad about how you told me several times that all you wanted was to show my dad that he (Michael) was going to take care of his baby. (me.) Dad teared up. He has been profoundly effected by all this.
19) In the process of searching for a new home after all of this, it seems I have been so very guided in my choice. I have often wandered the halls of that unfinished home while hearing your voice in my head saying, “This is home. You deserve this and you can do this.” Beyond that I’ve just felt a great peace about it. Thank you.

20) I’ve had continual books, messages, quotes, and other sources be directed to me that have testified of you spirit’s presence here on earth. Joseph F. Smith said: “I believe that we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separated from them. We begin to realize more and more fully, as we have become acquainted with the principles of the Gospel, as they have been revealed anew in this dispensation, that we are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors, to our friends and associates and co-laborers who have preceded us into the Spirit world. We cannot forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we cannot break, that we cannot dissolve or free ourselves from….I claim that we live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; they can comprehend better than ever before, the weaknesses that are liable to mislead us into dark and forbidden paths. They see the temptations and the evils that beset us in life, and the proneness of mortal beings to yield to temptation and to wrong doing; hence their solicitude for us and their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.” --Concerning that last sentence, I have certainly felt that from Michael. Just totally and utterly feel of his support and desire for my well being. It is not only that preparatory actions he performed before his death that confirm that to me, but it is his spirit I feel that communicates that to me.
21) Said by Christine, Joann’s friend, in a card: “Lisa, I know as you need him and listen with your heart, Michael will be near.”
22) One night I was complaining to Dad about the unfairness of life and how it truly brings me to my knees. I was having a moment of sincere and utter defeat. He could tell and said something like, “I’ve had those feelings. You just gotta’ tell yourself to ‘not let the bastards get you down.’ ‘Hold your head high and have dignity.’”
23) Divine positioning. God does it.
24) The week of your funeral I was so sick and shaking so badly. Your voice kept telling me, “You need water. You need water. You need water.” Over and over again. Thank you for taking care of me…even still.
25) This experience will solidify to me the importance of compassion, understanding, and mercy. To not judge, for you don’t know what people really go through.
26) Constant prompting: “You know what you have to do. Do it. The Lord will bless with strength.”
27) Hearing you say to me that I will feel you through music, nature, Andi, movies.
28) The glistening moon on the lake at Hyrum Dam that was completely abnormal and a total sign from him to calm down and know he loves me.
29) I must take time to feel you and the Spirit. You flood back into my mind and heart when I can calm down and take the time to close eyes and feel his presence.
30) It’s your trials that make Christ personal.
31) I have to take it one day at a time.
32) Insist on being my authentic self—can’t forget that or stop applying that. You taught me how to do that, and the importance of doing so.
33) You taught me it was okay to dream.
34) The saying on your wall: “You are powerful.”
35) Listen to music. Dance with Andi.
36) Get up, get dressed, show up.
37) Do “what you’re supposed to be doing”—my same old impression—and I’ll be happy.
38) Feeling Spirit so strongly every time I go to the new house.
39) Expect the pain. Live with it like it’s an inescapable guest. Feel it.
40) Shooting Star! The absolute miracle of that experience. September 9, 2010. True to Michael form….Nothing less than the best.
41) Important to find normalcy in all of this.
42) How you have and will prove to be an imperative part of my life’s growth here in mortality.
43) How I have felt your presence and influence in every decision I’ve made since you passed.
44) Hearing your voice tell me when I’m running: Keep going up this hill. Think how proud you’ll be at the end if you don’t stop or give up. Keep going!
45) I talked to the bishop yesterday. Gave me a blessing. Between the talk and the blessing, I received much wisdom I don’t want to forget:
a. Do one thing and one thing only: When you get out of bed each morning, say to yourself, “What is my priority today?” Think about nothing else but that one thing. Don’t try to take on the whole future right now. One day at a time. Will be that way for a long time.
b. Find small things to take joy in. Take Andi places.
c. You’ll be blessed with help to be an example to Andi.
d. You’ll be blessed with patience.
e. You’ll be blessed with happiness, for you have sacrificed.
f. You’ll be blessed with Michael’s presence all throughout your life. He is with you and will always be. You’ll feel him. During decisions, hard times, good times, he’ll be there at my side.
g. Do all the things you know to be doing: Pray, read scrips, church.
h. Pray for the Spirit when you feel the darkness come in—I told him I felt like I was fighting a constant battle with darkness.
i. I’ll be blessed with understanding. That was said in my blessing after I had told the bishop I couldn’t say anything else about all of this except “I don’t understand…I don’t understand.”
j. To remember his nature—How he loved to have fun, laugh, and smile. He wants you to do the same. It upsets him to see you so upset.
k. To remind yourself of the plan of salvation. Apply its teachings.
l. To pray for light and a chance against the darkness.
46) Tolstoy once said: “Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow. But this same necessity of loving serves to counteract the grief and heals them.”
47) In the words of Clair Giles, a sweet woman in my ward: “Remember, it’s okay to slam doors and kick things, and then go on. It’s okay to cry and then go on. I feel your pain—It will get easier.”
48) Keep on his tradition of downloading music.
49) You have to get beyond hurt and uncertainty and LIVE.
50) Believe you’ll be blessed with greatness…whatever form that may come in.
51) Grace and acceptance.
52) It may all seem menial, but it’s not. Wake up and live. Stop whining. The greatest out there have lived the hardest of lives. Be that.
53) Find/seek more hobbies. Further define yourself.
54) Food storage.
55) Importance of Sunday habits.
56) Importance of downtime for you and Andi. Two days a week. Balanced lifestyle.
57) Cook. Host. Serve.
58) I have to say to myself over and over what I know to be true about the plan of salvation.
59) Don’t forget…internalize the fact that we are still together and still married.
60) Talk to you. You want me to. (As if I’m not crazy enough, Babe.)