memories

Michael,
Here are some memories I don’t want to forget: (This is not my best or most well-written work, I know, but I gotta’ just get this written down.)

1) “L” gum wrapper—He’d fold his gum wrappers in the shape of an “L” in tribute to me.
2) Talking to me endlessly about Dave Ramsey. Telling me what to do if he dies.
3) Him making fun of my half-empty milk glasses in the fridge.
4) How he helped me assess the situation when Andi bonked her head on the corner of the bathroom door frame. It was bad and it made me cry. He was strong and took care of her. It was then we decided he would be the one to deal with the physical ailments with our kids.
5) When I accidentally bleached all his favorite clothes. I agonized for weeks until I told him, and he was so calm in his reaction. A sign of his growth.
6) How he’d pull his shirts down as a kind of fidgeting behavior.
7) How he loved the Old Navy shirts I got him with the cuffed sleeves that emphasized his biceps and awesome chest that I always complimented him on.
8) Riding in the car with crying Andi. We’d both be silent in our agony.
9) Reading books together. Princess Bride. The Millionaire Next Door. Malcolm Gladwell’s books. Me telling him about all the details of the books I was reading and how he’d actually listen and take an interest in it all. We’d love to recount stories like that to each other, whether it was about books, the latest story on Dateline, or the last movie or tv show we watched.
10) Harry and the blue house. How Harry would eat their trash that sat on their porch, and how Michael would always have to go fetch him. Michael would whistle and Harry would always come running. Sure do miss his whistle. Harry doesn’t do that for me.
11) Michael climbing up the tree that Saturday I did the ACT and how he dangerously cut it with a chainsaw. The neighbors were nervous.
12) Our favorite Domino’s Pizza: Chicken, pineapple, and fresh tomatoes on thin crust pizza.
13) Getting Harry at the airport in Arizona. Then locking the keys in the car.
14) RVCC
15) Cereals—Honeycomb, Fruity Pebbles, Sugar Smacks with the plain kind mixed with it.
16) Oatmeal and raisins….Every morning, that’s what he’d have.
17) Tuna fish sandwiches I made for him—Mayo on the toasted bread, the whole can of plain tuna on the bread, and sliced pickles.
18) His beloved water bottle.
19) Losing his water bottle. Losing everything and always asking me in an anguished and frustrated way, “What did you do with my so and so?”
20) Being late with him. We were bad that way. To church, to family functions, even to work. He ran late to work every single day without fail.
21) The remote routine at night: I’d let him have it, then he’d fall asleep, then I’d have to search for it as it sat somewhere in the crevices of his body.
22) His Sunday naps.
23) His falling asleep on the black couch every night and then coming in at two or three as I dragged him in.
24) My insistence on being in the bedroom on the bed, his insistence on being on the couch simply because he was too tired.
25) Taking Harry out in the middle of the night.
26) Childbirth class—That one whole Saturday, and the jokes he made the whole time. Mostly ‘cuz he was bored and knew about a lot of it already.
27) His endless loyalty to friends, family, Dave Ramsey, whatever he believed in.
28) UFC and the figurines I got him. He taught me all about Forrest Griffin, Chuck Liddell, Rampage Jackson, Tito Ortiz, etc.
29) Logan Smith’s. Trips up to the cabin. Spilled yogurt in the car. Him holding and touching me on the jet ski. Riding together on the four wheelers and him cheering me on at going fast. The Pettingill’s cabin. Watching movies at the cabin. Him working on the cabin a/c. Being the last to leave the cabin—cleaning, taking the garbage to the disposal place, the rides to and from the cabin….The fights, the vomits, the heartfelt conversations.
30) Haircuts. Doing his hair every day. Cutting his hair less than 24 hours before going into labor with Andi.
31) Calling his glasses “my glathes”
32) Billy
33) He always told me we’d die together, but if I died first, he’d never remarry. That if he lost me, he’d become a sociopath, but a great father dedicated to his children.
34) Bonfires in the backyard.
35) Ben and Jerry’s.
36) Political views—extremely conservative, but he came around a bit.
37) Movies. Endless movies. I need to make a list someday soon of some of the best we watched together.
38) Watching him (with Andi and Harry, from the front door) drive away each day as he went to work.
39) Constant daily phone calls from “Mikey My Love.” He’d call me while he sat in traffic jams and we’d talk on end for hours. How we’d even sit in silence together and be okay with that. How he called me constantly when I was with mom—Don’t know why it always happened that way, but he just always wanted to tell me a long story when I was hanging out with mom.
40) Food—big part of our relationship. Another list I need to make.
41) How he’d come home late at night and wash his dirty hands and forearms in the kitchen sink and get dirty water all over the kitchen. He worked hard.
42) The last Monday before he died—the conversation in the office as he sat on the floor and I sat on the chair next to the computer. He told me about work—how everybody was idiots that claimed they didn’t need a new a/c, how his mom told him she looks forward to death, but he’s convinced when we die it’s going to be hard work on the other side. Talked about the refi next door. His conversation with his dad and Joann that day. How I told him he needed to get sleep and to not push it. Wish he could have listened. Wish I would have stopped him somehow.
43) How he told me I can’t have more than one dog while he’s around, but that if he dies first, I can get five dogs.
44) Our plans for our Kaysville house.
45) He taught me how to party, how to cook, how to manage money, how to be tough. How to stick up for myself and to have an opinion.
46) Daily morning prayers with Andi.
47) The kiss I gave him on the cheek on one of our first dates—on the doorstep of the house I was living at in Ogden.
48) The tramp while we were dating.
49) His motorcycle he sold for my ring.
50) How he became the voice in my head about everything—housework especially.
51) Watching “Rob & Big” and that one episode when they danced to Enrique Iglesias in the car. We laughed hard. That attitude totally reminds me of his life’s happy-go-lucky perspective and how he said I was his favorite to “laugh with.”
52) How he called the plaque on your teeth “mittens.”
53) Paul Simon daddy and daughter song—Listening to it on the way home from having Andi in the hospital.
54) The song “Love Me Unique” by Michael Frante and how that totally reminds me of our intimacy together.
55) His ice cream spoon.
56) Losing that knife.
57) Messy van.
58) Washington D.C.
59) Skiing/Snowboarding with him—On his last birthday especially, and how he told me so much about his life that day—His parents during his growing up years, Sophie, everything. All the details.
60) Snowcones. Getting me one after putting me in the bath after a long hot day at girls camp while I was pregnant.
61) Mountain Dew=Hyper Michael. Endless talking. Road trips to Arizona high on Mountain Dew.
62) Getting three tickets on our way to Arizona once before we were married.
63) Last phone call-So sweet and loving.
64) Traveling Highway 89 on Sundays—Listening to his I-Pod, listening to NPR, talking.
65) Celebrity Apprentice.
66) Last anniversary—held hands in bed while we listened to playlist: “5th Symphony.”
67) Michael playing endlessly at night with Andi. Getting her worked up. Throwing her in the love sac, in the air, his high voice with her, his laugh and smiling at her. Being loud with her as I tutored upstairs at night. Dancing with her. Letting her go through his stuff in his “man room” in the mornings as he worked on the computer. Letting me sleep and going to get her in the mornings. Telling her to fold her arms when we prayed.
68) Such a good provider. Thank you for all your hard work on my behalf.” --Song that says, “I get so tired of working for our survival.”—Took the words out of his mouth, I’m sure.
69) Fights. Endless. Learned a ton. How we moved on and made up with more love than ever. Always ended conflicts with a stronger affirmation of love. I don’t say that out of nostalgia—that was so true for us.
70) Road trips. Princess Bride. Death march. Hot/cold—car temperature fights. Wedding cake fight. Driving between two lanes. Wendy’s. Maverick. Peanut M & M’s.
71) Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup and waffles.
72) Laminating that ad for Luke and Carter
73) Playing/wrestling with the boys. On one of the last Sundays, he laid on the lawn and threw the football to the crowd of boys on the tramp for them to scramble for. Each time he threw it, he’d yell, “FOOTBALL!” and they’d all scream and scramble for the ball. We’d look at each other and laugh.
74) His love for my cute mom, for Lydia (loveyahavefunseeyabye.)
75) His respect for my dad.
76) His honor for my brother, his passing, and our grief.
77) Calling the family members each birthday and singing to them collectively.
78) Celebrating each holiday with fervor.
79) “It’s the Holidays…I can eat what I want.”
80) All or nothing.
81) Rubbing my ulcer/constipated tummy. Taking me to clean out my intestines. Taking me to the colonoscopy that day of his test at school.
82) The Mazda and its stupid wheel issues.
83) Making animal noises for Andi.
84) Me melting down at the cabin that second to last time and how he embraced me on the bed and reassured me in my private moment of feeling completely and utterly worthless.
85) My scapula issues and how he cared about it so much.
86) Comptrol.
87) 3244
88) “Michael” as all my passwords.
89) Micaman/Mikey/Everything Green/The Hulk
90) His grunts as he worked out so intensely.
91) His smell.
92) Superman.
93) Singing songs with him that we’d make up. “I love you…I love you…My Mikey (My Lisa)…I do.”
94) How he just wanted me to trust him. (The song: “Have a Little Faith in Me”)
95) How he’d sometimes act way mellow and it took me a long while to figure out that usually meant he was tired. Never something “wrong” that he needed to talk about. Total man.
96) Cael, Paul, Lauren. Ovulation tests those last months and NEVER getting positive results. Planning for about three kids, maybe four.
97) Quarters in film case—Still want to do that.
98) “Cakes and pies.”
99) “Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!”
100) Way clean and then way messy house and how he always said he loved when I let go like that and just let it be totally messy.
101) How he said that we were such a good team. We knew how to work hard, then relax and play hard. So true.
102) Tucking my foot into his as we sat in sacrament.
103) The “I love you” signs we made to each other as we passed each other in my car and his van (on our way home from my parents or something.)
104) Making plans for our house in Kaysville. Talking endlessly about them. Going online to the design people’s website we liked. Going to that house in Bountiful that we wanted to model our house after. Planning on using HGTV’s Renovation people to help us. Such dreamers! But I loved it. He taught me how to dream and believe dreams actually can come true.
105) When I lost a knife out of the knife set and he got way mad. Thought I threw it away. I told him when we’d move, someday we’d find it. We looked all over the house.
106) Giving him his haircuts in the bathtub or in the back.
107) Styling his hair each day before we prayed.
108) Legs intertwined at church and at the temple. How we were sometimes irreverent in those settings because we so basked in those chances to be together, talk, joke around.
109) The “freakin’ Lovelands.”
110) Getting our dream roof done and going to Hogi Yogi’s after. Being so grateful for the ward after that, and loving the new look.
111) Superbowl Sunday! Awesome half-time shows we watched (Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Justin Timberlake/Jackson girl, Tom Petty), making his famous chocolate chip cookies and yummy cheesy dip that Les & Scott loved.
112) Valentine’s Day traditions: His sugar cookies, Haagen Daz coffee ice cream, cuddling.
113) Fighting—Mostly in the car.
114) When he watched that Mel Gibson movie about how the main character’s wife and child were murdered. Mel’s character took vengeance and Michael said so many times after that, that if the same thing happened to his girls, he’d kill.
115) His waking up early/my sleeping in.
116) Giving that guy a ride home on Hwy. 89 during a snowstorm one wintry evening on our way home from my parents’. The guy got in a fight with his wife and was dropped off on the side of the road. Kinda’ funny. We talked about it after and said, “It just goes to show ya’ we’re not the only ones who fight…It could even be worse.”
117) Me “taking over” his house with my furniture and decorating. (He claimed)
118) His endless ability to fix stuff: Sink faucet, getting my ring out of the bathroom sink pipes, water heater, car battery, sprinklers, the washer, etc. etc.
119) Mountain Dew. His highs on that drink were CRAZY and so funny. I made fun of him from day 1 about how he acted on caffeine. He talked a million miles an hour, and so loud. Made for fun road trips.
120) How he loved how I made his steak. Rare. Ew.
121) Sitting on his lap and watching the fireworks for the 4th and for New Years at the cabin in Bear Lake.
122) Both agreeing no minivan. Yukon.
123) Me always telling him to eat his vitamins and veggies. Telling him I needed him around—to take care of himself.
124) The remote control at night—He wouldn’t let me have it as he was falling asleep. But then once he was asleep, I had to dig for it so as to turn off the tv. Then he’d wake up and wonder what I was doing. Every night, without fail.
125) His crazy talk about Barack Obama.
126) His conviction in Mitt Romney for president.
127) When we were dating—New Years Eve 2005. Watched fireworks in SLC together. Got so close to them, we got ashes in our eyes. We were so dumb to get so close to them! I got a huge piece in my eye and we came home to my parents and dug it out. We were astonished at how big it was!
128) Getting endless viruses on our laptops and listening him freak out about every one—Or every possible sign of one.
129) How he loved previews in movies. We couldn’t be late to movies, or he’d miss his precious previews.
130) His loud laughter in watching movies. So loud and funny.
131) His surprises! Endless romantic surprises for me. Always wanting to put on a show and be “the man.” He was.
132) Christmas of ’06: Doing puzzles together in our basement night after night during that holiday season. Going to Shopko for more puzzles to do. Bringing the table downstairs so we could get comfortable while we did them.
133) How when he gave Andi her blessing he said she should rely on all the people within the blessing circle (and their wives) to help her in her life. That rings even more imperative now.
134) Going to his grave, listening to Kalai, and feeling the terrible heartache. We loved Kalai. He defined us.
135) “I love you in the morning sun and in the evening moon.”
136) As one of the young women said: “You know he was such a fun guy to be around and when we had to play sports he always made you feel like you can do anything and he always had such a great fantastic smile, Mike was a really awesome guy.” She couldn’t have said it better. My words precisely.
137) I remember when he made cinnamon rolls at our apartment in Arizona. He wasn’t in school yet. He did such a great job with them. We gave them to neighbors.
138) Getting robbed. He was actually pretty good about it all. Worked really hard in dealing with the insurance and all that. Another example of his philosophy that you get exactly what you work for. And he worked.
139) The miscarriage. Sitting in the doctor’s office, alone together, both with our heads down. Heads in hands. Sitting in silence.
140) His little sign: “You fix you!”
141) He always made me feel beautiful. Constantly telling me. Never said negative things about my physical self. Honored the true struggle women have with self image.
142) How he told me someday he’d build me a barn for my dog rescue mission.
143) When Harry jumped out of my moving car. How Michael got out the first aid kit for him, helped him, and comforted me.
144) When Michael punched that dog in the face for biting Harry, and how he took Harry to the vet after that. All by himself. He loved Harry. Loves.
145) How he’d make fun of me for being “in the mode.” He’d say, “Watch out! She’s in the ‘mode’! Everybody move out of her way!” He’d usually say that when I was bustling around getting stuff done.
146) Speaking in church together—Three or four different times, I think.
147) Listening to him bear his testimony during Fast & Testimony meetings. Probably saw him do that at least ten times. Often testified to the Young Men of his testimony and testified how much he believed in them and how grateful he was for his calling.
148) His constant prayers to “make our weaknesses our strengths.”
149) Doing sit ups with Michael to his ab video. Ridiculously outdated and freakin’ hard!
150) How he never let me use his pens. How he’d hang his favorite ones (and one that matched his oufit) into his left side pocket.
151) How he’d call Jenny, Lee’s dispatcher, every morning. Just talked to her today and she said she misses him and thinks of him a lot. She said customers say they miss him too. She also said how she misses Michael always ending their conversations with, “Thanks tons!” She said that business is just not the same without Michael’s salesmanship-type attitude and hard work. Don’t have to convince me of that. I lived that fact every day.
152) How Leslie would call Michael when she had questions about superheroes or comic book guys. Her boys have really gotten into that, and so she’s had some questions for Michael that he was always able to answer. So Michael.
153) Coming into your office and sitting on your lap backwards—hugging you-- while you continued to work on the computer. You always made room for me and just let me sit there, on top of you, with my head on your shoulder. Totally in your way, but you didn’t seem to mind. I need that so badly right now.

So that's it for now. That's about a month's worth of my daily notes of random memories that would come to mind. There will be more, no doubt.

I love you, Michael.
xoxo