Big Days

Michael,

Andi's baptism was a couple of weeks ago and it was a special day.  All of your family came, and it meant so much to have them all there.  On that day, as shown above, Daniel planted a tree for her (with heart-shaped leaves) in our backyard.  Ron and Joann came down from Montana.

I am finding that you are ever close to my heart on these big days we have in our lives.  It reminds me of a blessing Bishop McFarland (our bishop in Ogden) gave me to me a few months after your death.  He blessed me that you would be with me throughout my life, both in times of joy and times of sorrow.  I have felt that to be very true so far.  It's these experiences that make me want to sit down and write to you.  I love those times of feeling your nearness and being reminded of our connection and memories and love.  

Sweet Hunter Draper showed up at the baptism.  Everyone was asked to write Andi a note to her on her special day.  In the note Hunter wrote Andi, he said loved her dad a lot, that he made a difference in his life, and that he was there when her dad died.  He added at the end that he felt like he should say that when Michael died, Daniel prayed out loud that Lisa and Andi would be okay.  

I never knew that and reading those words brought those days all back to me.  It was so awful, Michael.  I am glad to know that Daniel would care that much.  Desperate times, Baby.

In addition, my dad wrote Andi a note that will forever be etched in my soul:

This not only pays tribute to Andi, but to you, Michael.  If there was anyone by my side during those first few years after your death, it was my dad.  He watched me go through the whole thing.  He got to know you even better after you died.  He got to know you more by listening to me, by attending all my financial meetings with me, by helping me get our house packed and sold, by getting all our financial affairs in order, by getting me established into a new home, etc. etc.  I felt of my dad's love and appreciation for you and I see that once again in this note he wrote to Andi.  He looks for you in Andi...I can still see him do that when he looks at her and talks to her.  He loves her because he loves you.  As do I.  I also love my dear dad, which you know well already.  The kind of person that will always be a giant part of my being and soul.  

The night after the baptism I couldn't sleep.  All the emotions of the day, all the emotions of our family, and all the thoughts and emotions of your loss came crashing down on me.  All I could do was picture our last memories together and hear our last conversation again and again.  I kept seeing you with baby Andi and thinking of those bittersweet memories.  And sometimes in these moments I admittedly feel some anger toward you.  In these hard but profound moments, Michael, I can still feel you near.  I can close my eyes and see your face.  There are just some things that time can't erase.  I am grateful for that.

I was listening to a new Sarah McLachlan song....I know that wouldn't surprise you because you knew how much I love her.  It's a song that speaks so well the feelings of my heart when it comes to you:

Are we just drops of rain
Falling for a little while
Playing hard we lose and gain
Trying to hold on to what matters

Till the end

I keep walking forward
Like I know where I'm heading
How I wish you were here
To see me trying to live up to my name

Till the end

I should be thinking with my head
Not with my broken heart
Look to the future for all it can give
And not to us being apart

We trip and fall and stand again
And go on with our heads held high
We laugh and love as best we can
Trying to hold on to the wonder

How long, how long?

I should be thinking with my head
And not with my broken heart
Look to the future for all it's got
And not to us being apart

Sometimes I feel I can't go on
I let it get me down so hard to heal oh and I fall
Fall to my knees it hurts to survive the love that's gone

But I should be thinking with my head
And not with my broken heart

Look to the future for all it's got
And not to us being apart

I feel so blessed to have all I do in my present life.  I love Eric and love our life together.  I love the family he and I are making.  In addition, I will love you always, Michael.  You are a part of me.