Five Year Anniversary

Michael,

Over the past five years, I've become acquainted with quite a few widows and widowers.  Oftentimes they call the anniversary of their spouse's death an "angelversary."  Whatever you want to call it, June 30th of this year was the five year mark since your passing.

My life's schedule is packed to the brim these days.  That is something I am thankful for in many ways.  But because things are so busy, it's taken me until September (until school started) to write a post in honor of this five year anniversary.  That isn't to say, though, I haven't been thinking about what I've wanted to say.

The reality is that I think of you every single day, still, many many times.  You are a part of me. While there are days that I feel it has been so very long since I've seen you, I also have times when I see pictures of you and I think about how your face, your smile, and your mannerisms are still very fresh in my mind.  I think that is partly because I have your daughter here with me to remind me so much of you.  And also because I love you very much, in spite of all the challenges.  My heart always has a place for you.

This was taken at my niece Chloe's blessing.  You are standing on the left side, looking at my family that I love so much.  You showed great love and interest in my family--something I was so grateful for--and the expression on your face here illustrates that.  This expression was one you'd display when you were showing care and interest towards others--A great example of your purposeful living.

Being that the summer marked this five year milestone, you've been on my mind in an additional way.  For one thing, I spent a little time in Ogden the past few months and of course drove by our home.  Our Andi still knows it as her "Ogden house," her "baby house."  And I still know it as my home.  I have found that my heart has a place for several different "homes," and that little house of ours will always be one of them to me.  The neighborhood as well.

A picture I took after painting the front door.  I loved this home and loved putting my stamp on it, as imperfect as it was.  

I've also spent some time reading the blog to Andi...from times when you were still alive.  I've read these cute memories to her, only to read even more once I have some alone time.  I pour over those pages and feel of you again.  I love all the great memories we made.

One of my favorite videos of our little family that I love so dearly.  Don't mind my annoying voice and laughing.:)

On top of reading the blog with her, Andi and I also visited the grave on Father's Day.  We love you.

"Daddy I Love you"

Another reason you've been at the forefront of my mind is that in commemoration of these five years, I had your family and friends over for a big barbecue back in June.  I don't see your friends too often anymore, but when I do, they are such a direct reminder of you. I was so glad to see them and reminisce on some of the memories.  Some of the memories make me laugh...some make me cringe with anger....All of them bring us close again to you.  I enjoyed seeing Jeff and Jeremy talk to Andi about you and they shared with her some of the things they remember about her dad. Although she's still quite young, she felt of its importance and she wanted to listen and be around them all.

Jeremy talking to Andi about you

Left to right:  Colby Williams, Jeff Hanchett, Paul (Bones) Hollingsworth, Jeremy Charchenko, and Trent Williams
Love these guys and I love how Bones made the point of bringing Harry into the picture too.  They have the best hearts and you can still totally feel of their loyalty and love.

Bethany and Harry at the BBQ--who is due with baby #3 in November

Isaac playing with all of the guys' kids

During this past month of June, I also decided that to commemorate the passing of five years, I would listen to your funeral for the first time.  I have avoided it like the plague, as they say--Not a time I have been willing to revisit.  But, as I had hoped, when listening to it, I felt of the Spirit of the day and of your spirit, as so many people so beautifully paid tribute to you.

After listening to the funeral again, though, I certainly felt the horror rush back to me and I revisited the difficulties of the time.  Many of those difficulties haven't gone away and never will, but some of those difficulties have indeed faded.  Coming out of those times has taught me some things that I never, ever want to forget.....

1)  For one thing, I know assuredly now that we all grieve differently, in our own times, depending on our own life's perspective and experiences.  I will be honest in saying that something I struggled a lot with in the first months and years after losing you was the pervading feeling that I was so very alone in my grief.  That is true.  But I have learned since then that others grieve and grieved for you as well....In their own times, and own ways.

2) Secondly, I have learned a lot about gumption. I believe I've always had this in me--as manifested in my feistiness towards you. But since your loss, my feist has turned into more of what I like to call, GUMPTION. This word is defined as: "Shrewd or spirited initiative and resourcefulness." The word's synonyms say it best: "intiative, resourcefulness, imagination, astuteness, spunk, backbone, nerve, courage, moxey," etc. You always wanted me to have more of that, so Merry Christmas my Michael, I've got MOXEY. Watch out.

Oh, how I could recount story after story from these past five years that have absolutely forced me to build on each and every one of those traits listed as synonyms above. These paths have not always been fun, but I have certainly learned the value of being a person with gumption--especially at the right place and right times in life.

One example I will quickly share simply because it's affected me so greatly, is that I have learned a lot more, through this gumption, that it is OKAY that I am my own person, with my own experiences, doing my own best. It doesn't matter so much what others think as long as I know these things.

3) I have learned a lot about the meaning of Christ's Atonement. I now can say with great faith that through the power of the Atonement, we can be helped in carrying our burdens. We don't have to carry it alone. At first, one of the most horrifying parts of having you gone was being so haunted by your last moments. I had such a difficult time carrying those visions with me. I believe it was through my God and Savior that I was able to eventually sleep at night or even wake up in the morning. I was given help in carrying those heavy loads, but not until I submitted myself and truly sought for help. That truth has been carried through this journey of mine as I've struggled to start over, blend families with someone new, and deal with the unique challenges I've had with Eric. God is eager to help us, but we also have to help Him do so.

4) God gives us trials so we can have the opportunity to come closer to Him.
I wish I could say I've often thought of this as I've been enduring the sometimes difficult five years of my life. But I've been reminded of this fact often, and its truth especially hit me hard as I was teaching a primary lesson a few months ago. I was assigned to teach the kids about the story in the New Testament of a blind man who was healed by Jesus. The story goes as follows, more or less, as found in John chapter 9:

One day Jesus and his disciples came across a man "which was blind from his birth." After seeing him, the disciples asked Jesus why this man was blind--Was it the sin of his parents or his own sin that caused the blindness? Jesus answered, "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents, but that the works of God should be made manifest in him."

As the story continues, Jesus ends up healing the man, and as a result, the man's spiritual sight, as well as physical sight, was healed--As shown when the healed man professed that Jesus indeed healed him and that He was the Christ. So, as illustrated, it was because of the terrible suffering he endured that he was eventually able to come to Christ.

I love the phrase in this story, "...that the works of God should be made manifest in Him." Such a beautifully worded truth that I hope so badly can happen in my life, as weak and imperfect as I am.

I have found the teachings in this story to be true in my own life, in a relatively unsurprising way since I've been taught these truths since a young child. The lesson I feel I've really had to learn takes this truth a step further. I believe wholeheartedly that God cannot come closer to us, and he certainly can't use us as a vessel for good, unless we actively seek His power, His friendship, and His help. Yes, God gives us trials so we can come closer to Him. But that cannot happen unless we take God up on this opportunity to do so and put our hand in His with every step of the way.

I have not always done that. But I know when I have, my days have been blessed, my heart has been comforted, and my life more peaceful.

5)  Going through much sorrow can make you feel the joys of life in a more profound way.

It seems that carrying my broken heart around after you died has, in turn, made me love and appreciate the joys of life even more--both the small things and the life-changing events. Kahlil Gibran, one of your favorite poets, wrote a poem called "On Joy and Sorrow" that illustrates this truth well.

6)  Life is unfair.  It never will be fair.  No one owes you, and life certainly owes you nothing either.  I've heard this my whole life but never have I really felt of its truthfulness until I've experienced the despair of losing you, and in turn, looked at the world with new eyes.  These "new eyes" have helped me see that life is fair for no one, and that fairness would ruin the whole point, as excruciatingly painful as that fact can be.

7)  This next truth I have learned is the one I feel most passionate about.  It's the one lesson out of this thing that I truly feel forever changed by.  As imperfect and weak as I still am, its truths have been etched in my heart time and time and time again as I have experienced my life post-Michael, month by month and year by year.  One word, folks:  COMPASSION.  Never before did I realize why this concept is so deeply important in life.

I have seen through the sorrows of my own, that life can be very dynamic and at times downright difficult for each and every one us.  I have also seen through my own sorrows that one truly cannot understand what another is going through unless they are living it.  It can be easy to play critic towards another's life, but until you're "in the arena" of that someone's life, no one can fully judge another.

In rare situations it seems we are sometimes required to speak up and offer suggestions for another's life, but ultimately, I truly believe there is something to be said for giving each other the benefit of the doubt and by offering understanding and love rather than judgment and criticism.  It is often the case that we all really are just doing our best with what we're given.  Again, I don't claim I've reached a perfect status in this regard, but I certainly know more now that it's something to work towards.  

8)  The last lesson I've learned (that I have time to share in this post) is one that is tender and close to my heart.  Its truthfulness has been witnessed to me by the Spirit many times throughout the past five years:  God loves family and he honors the love and bonds we create within them.  

The other day I was with my mom and my sweet Millie.  As Mom was holding her, she pointed out that Millie probably won't even remember much about my mom...That she'll be lucky to be around by the time Millie graduates high school.  While this wasn't a new thought, it's still a difficult reality.

My mom--both of my parents for that matter--have been there for me in a very real way through many of my life's ups and downs, not excluding these last five years.  I honestly don't think I would be anywhere near as emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally healthy at this point in my life if I hadn't had the support that my parents and family have offered.

Their presence in my life has taught me a great lesson about what it means to be a parent and to be a family--That we're built-in supports for each other throughout the many stages in our lives.  The family is a gift from God.  It is one of the tools we can have in life that can help us through our journeys.  The bonds of a family can be powerful.  So powerful, in fact, that its influence is felt far beyond the veil.

Michael, you and I shared that bond of familyhood and love that was stamped so strongly into our hearts.  It is because of that reason that I believe you're still such a powerful influence to me, to Andi, and to our family.  You are still such a part of me and your influence is still very real.  These truths witness to me that the bond of love and family are powerful enough for me to somehow have the strength someday to say goodbye to more of my dearest loved ones, because I ultimately know that our bonds will never end.  Our love is solid and I am grateful for that.  God honors the love between a family.

So to my Mom--If I could respond in a better way to your comment about Millie not remembering you when she gets older--Please know that your influence in my life and the bonds we share are too powerful to be broken by death.  My daughter may not know you as I have, but she will know about you and feel of your influence, day by day, as the generations carry on and the bond of our family will continue.

Thanks be to the strength given to my battered and scarred little heart to maybe learn a little from some of these hard-earned lessons.  And thank you to you, Michael, for staying with me through both the good and bad.  I have felt of you and I am so very grateful for that.  God be with you, my Michael, in the many more batches of five years to come.

~