I came across this story the other day and it reminded me so very much of the journey I have been through since losing you. I often ache so very deeply in my soul, knowing I am missing out on the wonderful dreams we were planning to live out together.
These words relay my feelings so well:
Welcome To Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley
©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved. Article printed with permission of the author.
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than
Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you
catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has
windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has
Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and
going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they
had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was
supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever,
ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant
loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning
the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very
special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
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