It has been an eventful few months with a lot of exciting changes. We have moved across town and we're adjusting to our new life here. Andi is growing so very much. I was sure that with her August 17th birthday, I would end up holding her back a year before she starts kindergarten. However, it has become more and more apparent that she may indeed be very ready to start kindergarten this coming school year, even though she will be the youngest in her class. I just can't imagine having her home for another year, much to my chagrin. I have been so impressed at how much she has grown and developed and I'm excited to see that progress as she ventures to school. I pray always that you are with her and will continue to be. It seems to me, knowing what I know about you, that you would have it no other way.
I am grateful to continually keep myself busy, and it's those busy times that keep my chin up and my feet moving. Admittedly, there are times when I feel exhausted from the continual pushing on my soul to keep growing and enduring. And it's in those times of pause and exhaustion that I seem most apt to despair over your loss. For I still miss you every moment of every day and I still very much mourn that you aren't here. I try to fight those raw emotions as often as I can, but again, in my moments of exhaustion and pause, I have nothing left in me to fight that grief.
The past couple of weeks have been particularly rough. After experiencing several days of despair and sadness, I woke up one morning and went to my closet. As I was getting dressed, I noticed something in there that I hadn't paid much attention to in a while. After you died, I gave a lot of things to your brothers, but one thing I was determined to not only keep, but to display, was your "Hulk" figurine. You loved that thing. You asked for it for your birthday one year and you often talked about why you loved that character so much. The Hulk was a "fighter" who learned to use and control his anger to his advantage. Since your death, I've often looked at that silly figurine as a source a strength and a reminder to keep fighting, to use all my anger and hurt over losing you to my advantage....just like your "Hulk." I was once again grateful to look up and see that green toy standing in my closet, once again encouraging me to do just what I know you would tell me to do: To keep fighting.
You are an inspiration to me of what a true fighter is all about. You had "the fight" in you that helped you achieve and overcome a lot in your life.
In all these thoughts of the week, another thought came to me: In your last moments, you fought to stay here. I don't often like to think about or dwell on those minutes in time, but from the information I have gathered, it is clear you fought to stay here with me, with Andi, and others. And I believe you reminded me of that this week.
Thank you for your help and inspiration. Keep it up. I love you and happy Father's Day~
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