holidays

Michael,

I suppose the holiday celebrations this year won't soon be erased in my memory. Those days were joyful...I got to be with our Andi and spoil her rotten. I was able to spend time with my favorite people, who I am so grateful for. I was able to take a break from the crazy to-dos and just relax. The goodness of it all kept me focused on the need to keep my chin up and give my girl some good times. I decided to keep Christmas morning just between Andi and me. Kinda' hard, but really sweet. As the sun shone in on us that morning, it felt like we were basking in rays of heaven. I know we weren't alone.

Of course my holidays were laced with the occasional breakdowns, but those moments offer me two things: An ability to cry it out so as to put forth another step, and a moment to stop and feel heaven's embrace....your embrace. I often do feel that in those dark moments, and for that I am so grateful. Can't begin to explain how special those times feel.

Here's Andi and Harry on Christmas morning, getting a feel for the new Princess blanket from Grandpa Ron and Grandma Joann:











Here's the front room after Santa came. I was pretty stoked about perfecting it before Christmas morning:











Here's the Christmas eve baby...with new jammies on and the world in her hands











A taste of the all-time favorite fort phenomenon











Isaac and Carlyn...newly engaged, hangin' with Harr-











Here you'll see Andi's gift bag fetish. Why I buy her gifts, I don't know.











Opening gifts at Grandma Cathi's on Christmas Eve.














This year for New Years, my family made the trip up to the cabin. Last year we did the same thing, and I'll never forget it--We were of course rushing up to the cabin in the dark that New Year's Eve night. I got so dang sick on our way through Logan canyon that I went straight to our bed for refuge when we finally got there. I missed the countdown. Not soon after, though, do you remember how you and I went out on the deck and watched the fireworks as I sat on your lap? Another precious memory.

I ended up not going with everyone to the cabin for this year's celebrations...Perhaps I should have...but my need to stay away from the cabin hasn't dissipated quite yet. I'm honestly a little afraid to go back there. I know I need to get over it....It's just that that place has now became such a part of your road to death in my mind. It was an integral part of your last days...our last days together. It's almost a little haunting. But I know I gotta' make it positive. And I will...I just need time.

So on New Years this year, we went out to eat and watched an Andi movie. She's just like you when she watches movies--She laughs hysterically at the most minor of things and constantly says to me, "Mama watch! Ha ha ha! Funny!" Honestly, you'd do the same thing--"Babe, you gotta' see this!"...and then you'd laugh and laugh over something I probably didn't think was all that funny. Anyway, that night after I put her to bed, I worked on the basement until I heard the fireworks go off at the country club. Watching them of course reminded me of the 4th of July when we rode your bike there to see fireworks. Good times. I was also reminded of the year we were traveling back home to Arizona on New Years Eve. We left so late from Utah that we ended up being exhausted by the time we made it to Flagstaff. It was not like you to quit, but I knew you were legitimately tired when you suggested we stay the night in a hotel. So we found a room in Flagstaff, made it to the bed, and we both fell completely asleep while the tv blared of the new year festivities and the lights remained on. I think I also remember sending you to the store that night to get me some medicine. You were always so awesome about that stuff--You never complained and would always come back with a plethora of remedies just to make sure I was taken care of.

Anyway...
Throughout December I thought to take advantage of some of the get-togethers the local widows had. While I'm not crazy about the whole scene, I really feel like they're good places for me to be. The more I'm around other widows, the more I'm reminded that there are others who understand this journey. It's great to see other people who have made it work and inspire me to do the same. Here's a pic of Andi and I at the Widows Christmas party--I especially like the expression on my face. What I was saying, I don't know.














Also sometime in December, I had your friends over. They helped me go through some things and our kids were all able to play. I know it's cheesy, but I've never loved 'em more. Being with them is like being with you again, and it's so nice. More than ever I understand your love and loyalty towards them.












Perhaps some other festivities to mention--
Our annual trip to the Kaysville light parade:












Our excursion to Temple Square with your family:














Dressing Andi in fancy Christmas get-up:















And here's Daniel risking his life in efforts to light the house. He and Isaac did an awesome job. You know me--I don't really care to spend my entire holiday season putting up and taking down decorations, but your brothers were so sweet in insisting to light up our new place. Totally reminded me of your same yearly efforts with our lights and your dreams about someday being the best-lit house in the neighborhood.















So that sums up our holidays, I suppose. Truthfully, I was pretty exhausted by the time December was over. I put forth plenty of effort to stay positive and give Andi a good time. Kinda' ridiculous, I guess, 'cuz it's not like she'll really remember any of it...But I guess it was just the principle of the matter. We were going to be happy, gosh dang it! We definitely had some joyful moments. I'm grateful it is possible to feel that joy while I simultaneously cope with the ache.
Miss you always~