How to Be There

I wanted to share a few insights I’ve gotten from my “support group.”

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
I have to keep telling myself that one.

And there was also another quote I read that said, “The wilderness of your grief is your wilderness-It’s a creation of your unique self, the unique person who died, and the unique circumstances of your life.”
I thought that said it well and was a good reminder for me that we all grieve differently. Every close person to Michael and me is dealing with this differently. I just want to put it out there that I know that, and I hope to be understanding of that.

Our group counselor lady gave us a sheet entitled, “Practical Ways for Family and Friends to be Helpful.” When she gave it to us, she told us that many of our loved ones often probably ask what it is they can to do help. She said this list was a good way for us to express to them what we might need.
I quite liked it and want to share some of the ones that spoke specifically to me, but I know each person out there may feel differently about what they may need during their grieving process. But these are the ones I liked. And keep in mind this isn’t my way of asking for help…It just says it well and it might make it more clear for those who have asked or wondered.

Practical Ways for Family and Friends to be Helpful
1. Don’t avoid me. Be the friend, the loved one you’ve always been.
2. Touch me. A simple squeeze of the hand tells me you still care.
3. Call and tell me you’re bringing over my favorite dish. Bring food in disposable containers so I won’t worry about returning them.
4. Offer to set up a time to take my children out for a play date so I can have some break time. And my children may also need a vacation from what I’m going through.
5. Cry with me when I cry, and laugh with me when I laugh. Don’t be afraid to share these emotions with me. Pain isolates. Help me reconnect with others.
6. Help me celebrate holidays (and life) by bringing me flowers or other little treasures.
7. Before you visit, call to let me know, but don’t be afraid to visit. I need you. I can get lonely.
8. Help my family. I am struggling, but they may be suffering too. Ask them how they are.
9. Be creative. Bring me a book of reflections, music, a thought for my wall, cookies to share with my family and friends.
10. Let’s talk about it. Maybe I need to talk about what I’m going through. Find out by asking, “Do you feel like talking about it?”
11. Don’t always feel we have to talk, though. Sitting quietly together is fine too. Your presence confirms to me I’m still important to you.
12. Talk about memories with me and listen to me express memories.
13. Talk to me about the future. Tomorrow, next week, next year. Hope is so important to me.
14. Just send a card to let me know you care.
15. Pray for me and share your faith with me.