Saturday, July 31

Hello my love.

The day is ending and Andi is asleep. When I gave her her bath tonight, she accidentally scratched me in the eye and I swear I went blind for a whole half hour. The incident reminded me of how good you were at being my own personal doctor and assessing my latest ailment. I could have used you tonight to go through that usual scenario: You'd inspect my eye, show some love, and then say I'd be fine and to stop being a baby. Okay, maybe you weren't as blunt as that, but you definitely had a way of toughening me up. I needed it...let's be honest.

You wouldn't believe how much Andi's changed, even since you saw her last. She said her first sentence last night: "I eat!" Tonight she even rolled up her washcloth in a tube-like fashion and starting saying, "SSSSSSSSS.....Snake!" Her hair is longer, and I think she's gotten a little more "meaty" lately (blame it on Grandpa and Grandma Luke.) You know Mom...if Andi won't eat her dinner, Mom always finds a way to get it in her. She's jumping on the tramp like a pro and she's climbing the swingset like she's a monkey or something. Her smile is looking more and more like you each day...I hope it stays that way. Your smile was incredible. I miss it so very badly. Along with every adorable and endearing part of your body. I long to hold it so so so badly.

Harry is right beside me keeping me company, as always. Harry has become even more special since I need his companionship more than ever now, and also because he was a gift from you. Do you remember how fun it was when we got him? You were so cute...I'll never forget the email you sent me at school one day. I was teaching a class and saw an email from you...I opened it up and saw all these adorable pictures of the cutest puppies I have truly ever seen. You said something to the effect of "Happy Anniversary" and told me we were going to call the breeder that weekend and choose the one I wanted. You knew how badly I wanted a dog and you finally gave in. He had our hearts from the moment we saw him, so tiny and innocent. But perhaps not so innocent as we watched him pee all over the house, pull toilet paper rolls endlessly around the house, and even run away from us as we tried to get him in the house. But as you so often said, "Harry's our first born in the wilderness." How he misses you. You'd let him lick your legs for hours. And the evening greetings you two had...Boy did he love licking your whiskers. You were so great about all that.
So today while Andi napped I pulled out that file full of poems you wrote and quotes you liked that you compiled. I was astounded as I read them. I remember that week you took before you started P.A. school to work on that project. I fear I didn't give it the attention it deserved. But those poems, oh those poems...What a treasure. And they seem so ironic and inspired to read them now. Some of them seem prophetic. I know you'd never claim yourself as a poet, and I know how personal they are to you, but they reveal such a sweet and godly side of you that not a lot of people saw. I hope you don't mind me sharing some of your work. I hope to share as much of it as I can on this blog. But tonight, I just want to write down a few:

Of our love you wrote,
"Ours is a love that Bridges
Heaven and Earth
That carries us into Perfection
on her wings....
I believe in love."

Yes, it does bridge heaven and earth. Always will 'til I'm with you again. And yes, this love's challenging new path will hopefully--or most certainly--carry us into perfection.

Then you wrote this poem:

"Bridal Veil Falls"
When I felt like crying and
with immense pain in my heart
I looked up through the canyon's "Veil"
And saw stars that fill every prosed place
There you were Holding my Heart
and Brushing off the Hurt

The pain fled my Mind
and the Stars translated
Your Healing love to my heart

--August 8, 2005

How could you have known how applicable that has been this past month? I so very much hope you can say that about this new and terrible experience. I truly hope the exponentially-growing love I have been feeling and showing for you this past month is somehow doing exactly what you said in the poem: "...Holding [your] Heart and Brushing off the Hurt". Maybe our shared love can be exactly what you say: Healing to our hearts.

You also put one of your random journal thoughts in this compilation of poems/quotes of yours. You said: "I have imagined moments that I had with Lisa...Long before I even met her." You follow that by saying you wrote that in June of '04.
Oh...How I cling to these words.

And the best, most personal poem you wrote for me is as follows:

Thinking of You

Most of all I think of you.
I miss you so badly,
mostly because every day is so good and without you there is no reason and I long for you so much more.
You are my Precious Promise.

I am baffled by this love.
It grows so much more every day
and is a symbol of perfection
I merely dream of.

My speculations and thoughts cannot begin to grasp the destiny of my heart.
These feelings run much too deep
for tears, words, and even feelings.
I don't want to stop thinking of feeling
My Eternity that is My love.

You are My Eternity
I am at a loss.
What do I say next?

To my love...Lisa, from her lover boy: August 9, 2005

Baby...DIDDO. You are MY precious promise.

Thank you for writing all that. It doesn't make you a sissy...It makes you a man that forever binds me to you. Thank you.

There are so many more poems/quotes/thoughts you wrote in this compilation that I am eager to share with family and friends, and some of them are addressed to them.

I'll get there.
In the meantime, please be with me tonight as I go sleep. Or try to.
I keep imagining the feel of your face, hands, body against the skin of my hands. I loved it. So wish we could cuddle.
Maybe in my dreams tonight we could do that.

Take care of yourself. Be good.
xoxo